So Early in the Morning

It was 1:00 in the morning, I woke up sweating from a hot flash. Melvin had suggested, some time ago, that I stand at the back door and let fresh air cool me. I thought my new fan, he bought would help, but I am still HOT!!! I get up, go to the back door, and breath the cool air. The slight wind feels good on my moist face. This worked, I thought. I get back into bed.  I want to wake Poody up to tell him his idea worked, but I'll wait until morning. I snuggle under him and fall asleep.
A snoring sound with a gurgle, wakes me again. "Poo sit up, you sound funny," I say. No response and he doesn't rise. He has acid reflux so I'm thinking I need to get him to sit up so he won't have that acid surge that makes him vomit. "Poo sit up!" I nudge him. By this time the gurgle is more of a kkkkkkggggkkkkk,kkkkkggggkkkkkk,kkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I jump up, turn on the lamp and Lord help me, my baby is struggling, it was 1:30 am. I am always calm during a crisis and panic afterward, but this time was different, it was my heart, my life, my Melvin, I just couldn't think, I panicked, I was in shock. I started patting his face, "Poo, look at me Poo, what's wrong baby?" I grabbed the phone and called Wind. "Something is wrong with daddy!" I said. "Ma, did you call 911?" I hung up, and dialed 911. By then I was screaming and crying and they had to keep telling me to calm down, they couldn't understand me. I don't know how, but Wind was there within seconds it seemed. He arrived before the paramedics. In the meantime he was trying CPR and the 911 person, on the phone, was trying to tell me what to tell Wind to do but I was still hysterical and Melvin stopped doing anything. Wind was saying "Da look at me, look at me, wake up Da, come on now." Then Melvin gasped upward, we thought we had him. All the while Melvin was looking to the left and at a certain point it seemed as though he saw something that drew his attention. His eyes seemed to say, "I want to stay with you, but let me check this out over here." The paramedics came in and started working on him in the bed. Then the put him on the gurney and as he went through the living room his arm fell to the side. I scrambled to get in the ambulance with him, they wouldn't let me. They made me sit up front. I remember looking back at our home with the door wide open and I didn't care, just let Poo be alright. For me, the whole world stopped. I couldn't hear anything, nothing, nothing.
We arrive at the hospital they rush Poo in, but Wind and I can't go in yet. Wind walks outside the emergency area and discovers he can see where Da is, "Ma I can see them working on him!" We both stand where we can watch, I am still in shock and by now my baby boy is getting anxious too. Soon Earth and his wife arrive. We go back in and I can hear my sons ,"they won't even allow my mother back there to see our father!" Other family members start to arrive. I hear random sounds and conversations. I hear the security guards say, "Her sons think they're the rat pack, Frank Sinatra..." Someone else says, "Ma'am can you calm your sons?" I can't respond, It's all a dream.
The hospital personnel finally find a room where we can all sit. I remember the room being filled, but other than me and the boys, I can't recall all of the others. I was thinking, I can't wait till this is over what a laugh Poo and I will have about this. The the doctor, on call for emergency, enters the room. She has someone with her. She sits in front of me and I am waiting for her to say something like, "he's stable now..."
She says, "Mrs. Mathews what did the paramedics tell you?" Before she can finish I sat up straight ready to tell her how rude they were for not allowing me to ride in the back with Melvin and... she interrupts to say, "Mrs. Mathew, your husband was dead before he left home."
When I came to I was on the floor. The rest was all flashes:

• My sister in law pulling at my feet calling my name and crying, then;
• walking down the emergency room corridor, then;
• crying over Melvin's body, then;
• seeing my other sister in law and her family, then;
• my brother, then
• a nurse, then;
• bringing Fire into the hospital room to see Da, then;
• my brother's mother in law, then;
• laying on Melvin, he was still warm, crying, feeling as if I had no one else in this world, wanting to go with him, then;
• Wind taking me to my mother, then;
• my mother, then;
• my grandmother and then;
•  my screams....

My mother and grandmother say I screamed, and hollered and screamed until I fell asleep.

The next day all I wanted were my children and they never left my side.
Friends and family were so good to us, because as much as I remember, I was completely on automatic pilot during this time.
If it were not for my oldest son Earth, I would never have gotten through the preparations for the memorial service. If I got flustered, he stepped in, if someone seemed to annoy me, he would put his arm over the front of me and say, "I got this Ma."
When it was time to make the arrangements for the service, there was a new pastor at our church so I had to tell her about my husband. Kennedie stayed with me during this entire process, so while the tears were rolling down my face she quietly wiped them. When we got back in the car she said, "Grandma, why you cryin'?" I chose to be the one to tell her. She was two, but seemed to understand and went out on the deck, where we all used to play, and walked and cried. We watched and let her get it out, then Wind held his daughter and comforted her just as Melvin would.
Melvin always read the obituary to see who he knew and would read them to me or show me someone, this time it was him. As people got up to talk about my husband, I felt him urging me to speak on his behalf and when I realized what was happening, I was in front of friends and family speaking for my husband, my best friend, my lover, my Melvin, my Poody.
My epitaph to him

My Prince

It seems that my fairy tale has ended,

for your are my knight in shining armor.

And the girl you found 19 years ago became

your princess through the magic of your kisses.

God's infinite wisdom and grace brought us together

and we truly were one.

All of the sermons we shared together

of Jesus' life and example of how we should live

resound in my mind and heart

and give me and the boys great comfort.

Thank you for leaving me better than you found me,

and thank you for my sons.

Sleep now, my Prince

for we will meet in the morning.

Love forever,

Poo

For a long time I would be disappointed each morning my eyes opened to see another day, I wanted so much to be where he was. It's a strange feeling to watch your soul mate transition, strange in a good way. I know now, for sure, there is nothing to fear in death, Poo, God and Jesus are there. In my Fathers house are many mansions and I have seen the one Melvin chose for us. I do not rush that day now, and I do not fear it, all in God's time and in his way and just like this story I have shared with you, I surrender all and await my Father's promises.

Enjoy your tomorrow.

Monday, February 27, 2006

I got up for work, 5:45 am. I felt strange, out of sorts, what is the matter with me I ask myself.  I shake it off and get ready for work. I get to work around 7:15. I go into my office, look around and admire the quaint, quiet surroundings. I have grown to love all of the people housed in this institution of love and learning, yet my heart is not here. I am a tattered piece of this perfect puzzle and I just don't have the desire to polish up and fit in again. I sit at my desk and compose my letter of resignation to be effective at the end of the school year. I give the pretty office another glance, then leave to take my supervisor my letter. I arrive at the board of education, my supervisor is not there so I leave the sealed envelope with his secretary. I exit and as I am on my way back to the school, I sense Melvin calling me so, on almost two wheels, I turn around and go home.
Melvin is still in bed. I kiss him, he wakes and asks, "What are you doing home?" I tell him I have given them my letter of resignation, then I go about calling the retirement association, social security and US Steel. Melvin asks if I am going back to work, and I tell him no. He says, stop all that and come back to bed.  We go back to sleep and around 10:00 he wakes me to breakfast in bed. Afterward he runs some errands and I sleep, still can't get enough sleep.
While he is out I keep searching the house for something dead or dying, I can smell it. When Melvin comes home I have him look and smell around the house, but he can find nothing, nor smell the scent. The smell is most profound under the portrait of my great grandmother. Since she went to Heaven, she has always found a way to fore warn me of things she thinks I should know. Usually I can smell her or she'll come in a dream, but this time the smell of death is at her feet.
Melvin finally nestled himself into his favorite chair in our bedroom. He asked me to fix him a plate of dinner from Sunday. While he eats and readies himself to watch American Idol I talk to my mother on the phone. I tell her about the smell too. After talking to her for about 30 minutes I go into the bedroom and comment to my mother that my man is sleeping, sitting up in his chair and he has never done this before. I told her I had to get off the phone and see about my man. I nudge him and he wakes. He has the most peaceful look on his face and a loving smile. His eyes seem to have turned to a shimmering amber tone. I had also noticed that for the past few months his head, when I kissed it, smelled sweet like a babies. His hands smelled of his cologne all day, no matter what he touched or cooked. That amazed me. It was as if he wasn't real.
We watched Idol and then discussed what I would do next. He knew I wouldn't be able to sit at home long and we talked about our cruise for Thanksgiving.  We laughed and played the rest of the evening. The entire night was jovial. I felt a peace I hadn't felt in a long time after making the decision to resign.
Without asking, Melvin told me a story. It was about the beautiful woman he loved so much. At the end of the story he started singing The Impossible Dream, he was singing the words wrong, so I chimed in and started singing. I was in his arms, my back to his front so I couldn't see him giving me the CUT sign to stop singing so he finally said it, "Poo cut!" We laughed so hard. We always laughed hard together. That's how we went to sleep, me in his arms and us laughing.

The Impossible Dream

To dream, the impossible dream,

to fight the unbeatable foe

to bear with unbearable sorrow,

to run where, the brave dare not go.

To right, the unrightable wrong,

To love, here and chased from afar,

to tr,y when your arms are too weary,

To reach the unreachable star.

This is my quest,

to follow that star,

no matter how hopeless,

no matter how far.

To fight for the right,

without question or pause.

To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause

and I know, it thou'll only be true,

to this glorious quest

that my heart will lie peaceful and calm

till I'm laid to my rest.

And the world will be better for this,

that one man scorned and covered with scares

still strong with his last once of courage,

To reach, oh to reach, to reach the unreachable star.

tomorrow in the morning ...

Sunday, February 26, 2006

We have our favorite breakfast, fish, grits, toast and coffee on the deck. It's a beautiful day. It will be an early spring. I get started cooking the spare ribs, pinto beans and rice, cornbread and salad. Melvin watches sports most of the day, when he's not in the kitchen giving me love nudges and kisses.
Around three o'clock I begin my, end of the weekend bemoan of going back to work. Melvin senses my dread and tries to pep me up with an encouraging speech along the lines of, you're the principal, the kids and teachers love you, yadda, yadda, yadda. I believe this and I know it, but after the politics, my illnesses and the time on the battle field of twenty first century education, my passion was waining fast.
We eat and talk. Just before bed Melvin asks, "Poo did you enjoy your mini vacation? I enjoyed having you home with me." "I had a wonderful vacation, can't wait until it's you and me all the time," I say. Then he asks, "How did it happen that we had the weekend to ourselves, none of the children came by." "I don't know, I guess they decided to give us a free weekend together," I reply. We end the evening on the deck until I get cold and we come inside.
This was one of those nights I fought going to sleep, because I didn't want to leave him or be "a big girl" in the morning. "Poody, tell me a story," I say. He starts, "Onest upon a time there was a man who loved his wife very much and she stayed at home with him for a whoooooole week and..." I fall asleep in his arms, knowing I can make it through Monday, because at the end of the day I will be coming home to my Prince.



tomorrow

Saturday, February 25, 2006

On February 17, 2006 my uncle, the one Melvin aided on our trip to the Bahamas, passed away. Today is the funeral. I dread funerals. It is not the dying that haunts me, but the sorrow of the ones who are experiencing the loss. For some reason I have been given the gift, if you can call it that, of sensing other peoples pain and sorrow and funerals are the worst. Melvin knows and understands this so he he pets, coddles and encourages me all morning. "Come on Poo, get up, get some breakfast to keep your head from hurting." I get up and play over the breakfast. "I'll take my shower first and get out of your way. Come on Bae, we got to get ready." "Okay," I say. "Is my shirt ironed?" he asks. I've laundered them all so I don't answer. We both get ready and on this rare occasion he is ready before me, almost eager. "Are we going to Dorlester's house or straight to the church?" he asks. "Straight to the church," I say.
We arrive at the church before the rest of the family so I suggest we sit in the car until everyone else arrives. We're parked and Melvin is looking at this church with anticipation. "Come on Poo, let's go on in, whether it's right or wrong, let's just go." Just then, it begins to rain, he is not deterred. He gets the umbrella, comes to my side of the car, and off we go. When we get to the door, the rest of the family pulls up, so we became the unofficial greeters.
Once we were all seated, I was my usual magnet self, up against Melvin. When ever we area together, sitting or standing, I am just behind is shoulder and arm, stuck to him like a magnet. As the  ceremony proceeds, Melvin seems to be the only one praising God and supporting the ministers farewell of my uncle. His joy of my uncles life and home going becomes infectious and others join in praising and telling the good news of my uncle. Melvin celebrated my uncle going home with his back straight and his head held high.
He was in a great mood the remainder of the day. We came home, changed and sat on the deck. He told me he wanted spare ribs for Sunday dinner and he goes to the store to get them. He also stops by the house to check the mail and Earth, Wind and Fire. The house is our home where we raised the boys and where they live now.
We spend another quiet evening together in each others arms and love.

tomorrow

Friday, February 24, 2006

Today we both slept late. After waking, we sat up and watched television and talked. I cooked breakfast and we sat and talked some more. Melvin orders me a coat and robe from my favorite clothing catalog. We finally get dressed in the afternoon and decide to ride out, no set destination, just the two of us. We go to the store pick up fish for dinner. We'll have fish, shrimp, fries, pork and beans and toast, a  true Melvin meal, I'll prepare a salad too.
We get home, prepare the meal, eat and watch the DVDs Fire has brought for us. We'll watch DVDs for the rest of the night. We spend a quiet evening alone.


Tomorrow

Thursday, February 23, 2006

I just can't tear myself away from Melvin. I call my supervisor and tell him I will be taking the rest of the week off and will see him on Monday. We both go back to sleep.
Melvin wakes me up with a kiss to tell me he is going with JB for his chemo appointment. He tells me to plan to have fun with him when he gets home. I sleep for the rest of the day. I guess I am hibernating, because for the next year I will rarely sleep. Melvin comes home and has brought me a oscillating fan for my side of the bed. I sweat at night and he tried to fix the ceiling fan, to no avail, so this was my surprise for my hot flashes. I had asked for it months ago and when he sat it by the bed I thought it might be a pair of boots by the shape of the box. I jumped straight up, "Are these boots?," I was even more suprised to have my fan. Melvin always bought me great gifts of clothes or jewelery, I am hard to please but he, my grandmother and my triangle girlfriends choose well my gifts.
I finally get up, shower and join Melvin in the kitchen. I entertain him while he cooks. I still don't feel bad, I just don't feel good. My grandmother would share with me, some months later, how she felt the same way just before her son was killed in Vietnam. She said she told her supervisor she didn't know why but she just needed to take off and be alone. She stayed in a hotel room for a week, alone. When she arrived home the Western Union message met her, "Your son has been killed in Vietnam..." My mother has been my sister and my grandmother has been my mother, my life has mirrored hers on many occasion.
We talk and laugh, dance and eat. We discuss how I am feeling about my job and where we are going to travel. We decide that this year for Thanksgiving, we're going on a cruise. I will call and make the reservations this week. We decide it's time to let the kids fend for themselves and enjoy our time together doing just what we want to do. "Poo I'm so happy and scared at the same time. I just hope nothing happens, 'cause we're just too happy," Melvin says. "Ah Poody, us'll be fine," I say in one of my theatrical voices. Due to the difference in our ages and the illness we both suffered, I had deduced that we had, at least 20 more years together.
We play a game of Dominoes, I win, and get to brag. The winner always gets bragging rights. We watch Jay Leno, then fall asleep. We were going to eat ice cream, but Melvin's acid reflux dictates we indulge in that pleasure early in the day while he's up moving around.

Tomorrow

Wednesday, February 22,2006

I woke up not feeling bad, but not feeling good. I get up, call my supervisor and infor him I will be taking a sick day. Melvin was worried since I had had so many health problems. I assured him I was, no where near, as sick as I had been, just tired and needed some R and R and his TLC. I went back to sleep. He awakens me later with breakfast in bed and announces he will be going to work on the privacy wall.
After he left I slept some more, I guess I was tired. He arrives home around three o clock. He and Fire ring the door bell. I answer the door and say, "Hey Poo!" and fall into his arms. He turns to Fire and says, "I told you." I asked him later what he meant by that and he said he told Fire that I would be happy to see him and would show it, that's why he rang the doorbell.
While he showered I made his lunch. We sit in the TV room and watched one of his programs. On this day we cook together. Seeing us move together in the kitchen is like watching a swan dance. We can anticipate the others movement and flow gracefully while preparing, cooking and talking through the impending meal. Melvin leaves to get something from the store and I put the final touches on our meal. When I hear the garage door go up, I hide behind the door. This is not one of my usual hiding places, because he can see me through the crack in the hinges, but today I hide there anyway. As he enters the kitchen I watch him from behind the door. He is moving so slowly and each step and breath seem to be a chore. He calls for me. "Hey Pooooooo!, where's my baby. Oh no call the police somebody's got my baby." There is usually a childlike glee in his voice as he says this, but today, it sounds beleaguered in fatigue. I come out from hiding and we greet each other with hugs and kisses. "There you are," he says. "Let's eat." "Okay and I'll bring your plate, relax," I say.
I thought he was tired from working on the wall, he'll be fine, I told myself.

Tomorrow

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Melvin and I are both excited that the Thesis is done. After I get home from work, we head to a professional printing shop to get it printed and bound. As we're walking downstairs to get in the car, Fire is coming upstairs. He is quite perplexed. We both say, "Happy Birthday son!." He gives us a half smile. "Thank you Ma, thank you Da." "Did you see the card I left at the house?" I ask. "Yeah Ma, I got it. The IRS is taking all of my return for school loans!" Fire says. Melvin and I try to console him, but we really want to get the Thesis copied. I tell him I'll call him when we get back and we'll see what's goin on. He says okay, we hug and say the usual "I love you." Our family, my husband, my children and I always close our farewells with, I love you. I am honored we practice this closing salutation.
We were surprised to find that my cousin was employed at this particular location and she was tremendous help. She talked to us and explained the process. Melvin is usually eager to talk to relatives, yet today he finds a seat and listens to us chatter while we wait for the copies.
By the time we leave it's dark, we stop to get a bite to eat and head home.
We peruse the copies and I prepare them to be mailed the next day. Melvin goes to bed and I call Fire to see what's going on with his tax problem.
I notice that my baby is really not himself so we turn in early, we skip Jay Leno.


tomorrow

Monday,February 20, 2006

I wake up at 5:45am. I read my Daily Bread and my daily scriptures as usual, Melvin calls this my "powering up time."  I get dressed, give Melvin his "see you later kiss," and I'm off to stand before the congregation of elementary school children. I begin to appreciate the shortened day schedule of elementary school, the high school was a 24/7 job. I am home by 4:00. I change into my comfort clothes and wait for Melvin to bring our dinner. While waiting, we watch Fear Factor and anticipate American Idol. After the shows, we share our day with one another.
By 10:30pm we're in bed watching Jay Leno, Melvin really enjoys this show, I only like the Monday night Headlines portion, after that segment, I fall asleep.


2/21/06

Sunday, February 19, 2006

All of the kids have gone home, Melvin and I are alone, the house is quiet again with just the noise of us. I ask Melvin to proof read the last few pages of my thesis. I have to send four copies to Dr. Findlay, my advisor by Friday. I will be defending the final version soon. Melvin is so excited, so much so that he and Dr. Findlay have become friends. When she calls Melvin hollers, "Poo, pick up the phone it's Dr. Findlay!" She loved to hear that. She is from Africa and would say, with an accent, " I have become popular in your household, Melvin recognizes my voice, maybe I call too much." She did, but it was for a good cause.
While he read I  prepared for work the next day. This was a time in our life when I enjoyed our time together so much that leaving him to go to work was a chore and depressed me. I just couldn't stand to leave him and he couldn't stand to see me go.


Monday, February 20, 2006

Foreshadowing

Melvin would wake up and tell me about a reoccurring dream in which a man, dressed in black, would be pulling at his feet. I would dismiss the implication. He would also say, "At least I got to see some of my grandchildren."
After I saw the movie, The Notebook, I was angry with myself for not thinking to ask God to give Melvin and I the ending of the movie characters from that film.
Melvin's parents produced two sons and five daughters. His eldest sister has three sons, his brother had two sons and two daughters, another sister has two sons, another has one son, another has two daughters and we have three sons. Males prevail in this generation. This is poignant. Melvin, his brother and two brother in laws have proceeded us and now the sons must lead our family.

Heaven Knows

tomorrow

His Heart

Most of us have a sensory point in our bodies that worry can attack and weaken to illness. For my husband  his heart was his tender trap. His love and passions ran deep and if he chose you to love, his heart would deny you nothing. Melvin loved me and his sons, more than he loved himself.
All of us who raise children know that in the process of their growth, they make mistakes. We made mistakes and continue to make mistakes,but when you're young and before the synapses of our brains complete the connection, we make silly decisions. Earth, in trying to find himself, went this way and that in trying to find out who he was, and on one occasion Melvin's heart attacked him out of the sheer frustration at not being able to help Earth avoid a phase of his growth. That was his first heart attack and Wind and Fire were there.
The second time his heart gave way was at a time he was happy and felt he'd reached a fine time in his life, Wind was there to rescue him.
After the second attack, Melvin knew, guarding his heart, with the advice a doctor gives, was to be adhered to in great measure, and that he did.
When the boys reached manhood, crying was no longer an acceptable outlet of emotion unless it was a sheer devastation at a personal level. Most men don't cry, I get that, but toward the end of his life, I saw my husband express his sorrow through tears.
When Earth was ill as a child, Melvin cried; when his first wife died, Melvin cried, but tears were few and far between after that.
When he found out I was ill, he cried, this too was personal from the storehouse of love in his heart.
Then, one morning, we lay watching a special broadcast of a storm in New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina, and Melvin sits straight up. He is enthralled in the story.  I passively listen, knowing that he will interpret the events for me as he always did. I begin to ask questions, but get no response. "Poo what's goin' on," I say. He's trying to respond, but there is hesitation in his voice. I sit up, start my banter, look in his face and he is weeping. I rub his back, speechless. He finally musters, Look at how they are treating my people." The scene was of the survivors being packed into the arena with seemingly no help on the way. This sight touched his heart. He was not ashamed of this display and I thought no less of him. I was moved by his compassion for people he would never know.
Melvin's heart was so big:

• He witnessed a man in an accident who was thrown from his car, Melvin stayed with him until help arrived;
• A neighbor was stranded on the freeway, he turned around and helped her with her car, she tells the story to this day;
• When his sister was very ill in California, he dropped everything and went to take care of her;
• While I worked, he stood in the gap to help with my ailing mother;
• When our nieces and nephews needed chaperons to athletic events, he obliged them;
• When we went to the Bahamas he helped take care of my invalid uncle;
• He accompanied his best friend to chemotherapy on a regular basis;
• He would visit the sick and the shut in;
• When I was ill, he took care of me and even went to meetings in my stead;
• When he thought, my life might be at an end, he petitioned God to take him instead.

I am sure there are other stories of his magnificent obsession, of which I am unaware, but God knows.


Tomorrow

A Privacy Wall

In 2005, during the same time I was in and out of the hospital, we experienced the usual storm and tornado season. During one of these storms the privacy fence at the home my husband left for our children, was blown down. There was other damage to the home, shutters torn loose and the deck was rattled, but Melvin was mostly concerned with the fence. We contacted the insurance company, took photos, and secured estimates, they inspected and gave us a mere pence for the damage. Melvin finally decided he would replace the wall himself and use cinder blocks and cement as opposed to wood as was once the barrier. We both thought this would be a good project for he and the boys.
I told them the story I had heard Will Smith tell, about his father having him build a wall and tear it down for an entire summer. The act was a punishment and a character building lesson. I teased the boys and Melvin telling them there would be significance in their building the wall.
In theory, laying bricks seems like a relatively easy task, but in practice, the job can be daunting especially if this is not something you've ever done or do as a trade on a regular basis. Needless to say, the chore took months. Some days Melvin would go it alone, some days Wind would help, some days Fire and some days all three would work together. I don't remember Earth participating in this endeavor too much and that vexed Melvin to cursing at times, and that was a running joke for us. If you asked Fire and Wind I'm sure they would tell you of a significant or precious moment they shared with their dad during the building of this wall. By the last week of Melvin's life, it was 95% completed.
One windy day, after he left me, I sat in front of that wall and cried


...tomorrow

Grandma's Bunny Rabbits

The last grandchild Melvin lived to see was Ashari. Melvin would call her Atari and Fire and I would laugh and say, "It's Ashari, not the game Atari!" As with Kristian we were all there for the birth of my bunny rabbit. We didn't actually see the birth, but were there to see her washed and checked. The amazing thing was that during the entire task, she never cried. She just looked around and was as cool as a cucumber. Fire was so proud. His total demeanor changed, I knew at that moment that my child would rise to the occasion and become a good father. As Kennedie looked just like Melvin's oldest sister, Ashari looked like one Melvin's younger sisters and Shari's middle name is a testament to the resemblance.
Since Shari was an only child I was worried that she would have a difficult time mingling with other children, concern unfounded. She is fiercely independent and extremely bright. Her communication skills are bar none and like her father, she has no fear. She loves her cousins, yet never whines about going home alone. God is rewarding her strength with a baby brother due in May.
Melvin would have been so amazed at all of our grandchildren.
We also have a three year old grandson named Michah, he is the clone of Wind. He has the same free spirit and smile as his dad. After his first day of school, this year, I could hear him in the background shrilling with glee about what he did at school with Kennedie and Kristian. No longer did he have to wonder what they did from 8:00 to 3:00 each day, he knew and was glad about it.
It feels good to see my boys raising their families, heaven knows, they have big shoes to fill, for their father sacrificed everything for his birds, may they never forget the root of their strength and the measure of love a father has for his children.


tomorrow

Our Travels

Over the course of our life together, we never missed a beat. When the boys were small we took them to Florida to Disney World. It was a wonderful trip. Melvin decided to take one of his famous short cuts and a seven hour trip took eleven hours. We enjoyed the extended ride, and though we were cramped in The Ghost, laughter was abundant. Melvin's older brother Sidney, who was fondly called Beatum, lived in Tennessee. We often visited him. Sometimes it would be me, Melvin and the boys or us and his mother, his sisters and their families or just Melvin and I. However we rolled, we had a ball.
The last few years together we traveled extensively within the United States. Just before Melvin left, we were planning to go abroad, I was hoping to share Austrailia with him.
When we went to Naples, Florida, Melvin stole the show by renting a tandum bicycle. He and a friend, both over six feet tall, road the bike to the grocery store. They were the talk of the conference. In Pheonix, Arizona, he was walking down the street and was interviewed by one of the local telelvision stations. In New Orleans, a place we both adored, we would ride the trolley from one end of town to the other. We were so familiar with "Nawlenz" that the locals stopped hasseling us about those freebies to get you to purchase a time share. In Mississipi we got totally lost, but made some good friends. In Denver, Colorado, Melvin got a chance to see where I grew up. We toured my elementary and middle school. On th ship to the Bahamas we slept most of the day and partied all night. In the darkness of the ships promenade I would call out to Jesus, it was so beautiful, I knew he had to be there. In Georgia, we shopped and ate and visited friends. Whenever we'd arrive in a new town, Melvin would locate the nearest grocery store to our hotel. We would do room service a couple of nights or dine out, after that we made meals on the cheap in our room. The plane rides were the best, talking to people, neither of us never met any strangers, or him aggrivating me about something or someone on the plane, not to mention his flatulence.
For spring break of 2006 we were going to Miami, Florida to hang out on the beach. Wind went instead and sent me an incredible picture of a sunrise on the beach.
As sad as I was when Melvin passed, there was one solace, we had left nothing unsaid. We were together all the time and used that time wisely to express our feelings, thoughts, dreams, hopes and prayers. He knew how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me.
There are times when your mate comes home and you are so  excited to see them that you could literally want jump in their arms, do it. There are times you want to share with them a part of you they have never seen or heard, share it. Whatever, positive act of love or passion you feel for the person, you know is your magnet, express it, share it, speak it, convey it, wallow in it, relish it, celebrate it, cherish it, give thanks for it because you don't ever want to say, "If only I had..."

tomorrow

I'm Not Alone

Today is Valentines Day. A set aside to express your love and devotion. There are many ways to display affection, I prefer the small ways that occur daily. My mother used to tell us, " If you are nice to people all year round, you don't have to scramble around trying to find a special gift at Christmas and Valentine's Day." I've tried to take her words to heart. Love is in the intangible gifts that infuse your soul and melt any traces of bitterness. Melvin and I liked a commercial in which one person performed an act of kindness to a stranger and someone else watching the act would "pay it forward" to another stranger in need.
I usually leave work between 4:00 and 5:00pm. I rarely stay later than five. Today I didn't leave the office until after 5:00. I enjoy listening to the 98.7 mini concerts that play at the top of the 5 o clock hour. I missed it today. I knew the air waves would be filled with love songs yet, I wasn't as melancholy as I thought I would be. I began to ask God what I would be writing about today. The answer was almost immediate.
I have shared with how much driving calms me and how Melvin sends his love via song, well, one day I heard a song that reminded me of how Melvin would get in my ear and "rap" his feelings to me. Not the rap our children listen to, but the ole school rap a brother used to give a lady if he was diggin' her. The song that resonates for me is, I Wanna Know Your Name, by the Intruders. There's a verse that says, "You just a jazzy, jazzy ole baby." I can hear Melvin saying that so clear. And God gave it to me today, at the very moment I posed my question to him.  The song is old, it was played at a time I am already at home and not listening to the radio, and of all the love songs to be played, they played that one. There is really no reason for it to have been played today and at the moment it was played, it was meant for me.
I am not alone. This intangible gift made sure I would not wallow in a sea of despair and longing.
Allow God to guide your heart and make everyday one in which you show love, appreciation and devotion.
Perform random acts of kindness and they will not return to you void.


Tomorrow

Holidays

Melvin would be so excited when calendar holidays rolled around. Personally, every day we were together was a holiday, but the days set aside to celebrate an event, delighted him emensely because then, everyone else was on the same page as we were and in the same book. Any other time, if a friend or relative came to visit or called, they were either giving or sharing negative news, requiring an ear for their pity party or blaming someone, something or some cause. This would give our joy a momentary fast, so we started screening our calls or ignoring them all together.
Thus, scheduled holidays were a welcome respit to share joy and laughter with others.
The routine: Melvin would get up, shower and put on his holiday attire which consisted of one of his gabordine shirts and freshly ironed jeans, preferably the black ones with the red stitching, I hate those and his blue suede bucks." Then he would get me in gear to start cooking, I cooked on all holidays. Next, phone calls to the boys, JB and his sisters. He'd walk on the deck, have all the televisions on the sport for the season and talk to me while I prepared the meal. He'd come behind me and kiss my neck, "I't's just smellin' too good in here Poo." The bar would be set, house sparkling and the guest arrive.
Now you would think he would be entertaining from one end of the house to the other, but by the time the house was full he would have retreated to the TV room or our bedroom and select ones would be allowed to sit and enjoy him. Wind and I usually hosted and entertained the masses. Melvin enjoyed the preparation and the knowledge that everyone was having a good time. He trusted that, though  I am a loner, I enjoy coordinating festivities and making sure laughter is the order of the affair.
When the last guest left, even the children, he would help me clean up and ask if I had saved him any of the food. He knew I had, I always did.
If we were invited to someone elses house to celebrate he would say, "Poo you gone cook my food?" "I'm going to fix your plate, but I can't cook in someone else's kitchen." I would say.  My triangle girlfriends, his sisters and my mother knew he only wanted my cooking so they would indulge us, I guess we must have seemed a funny pair.
It wasn't that we thought any less of anyone else, we just thought so much of each other. Since he went home, holidays, for me, are extremely difficult. I tried the first few years to go on as usual, but I would start to cry and spoil it for everyone or be so somber the room would chill. And even though things have changed and my joy seems thwarted I hang on the phrase, "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Tomorrow

Picture Day

I have always envisioned writing a novel, with or without my brother. Writing has always been my passion. I have written several, unpublished, children's stories and have compiled some of the bedtime stories Melvin used to tell me so that I would go to sleep. 
One morning I woke at around three o clock, sat straight up and told Melvin I wanted us to take family pictures. He said, "Okay, now go back to sleep." "I'm serious, everyone has to be here," I said. "Okay, bae, now lay down." I fell back asleep. The next day I telephoned the boys and told them we were taking family pictures and no one was exempt. "Okay, Ma," was the collective answer. I solicited the photography skills of a trusted co worker, he gave me a time and wanted to use us as his test subjects for future family photo shoots.

On an early spring Saturday in 2005, we all gathered at our home and had a two hour family photo shoot. The experience was amazing and no one was missing.

The Mathews'

After we completed the shoot, we all sat around and the photographer did a Power Point slide show of the 86 photos he'd taken. We were all pleased and I knew I had my photo for the flap of my novel when it was published. In hind sight I know that the photos was not merely for a book but, for me and my children. Our happiness, as a family, captured forever. Eleven months later our patriarch would be gone.

Tomorrow

Kristian

My children dread when I say, " I had a dream about you last night." Fire will say, "Awe Ma, was it good, your dreams scare me." Like most mothers, I can feel when something is going on with my birds and it usually manifests itself through my dreams.
One night I dreamt the children come in the house and I say, "Bring me my baby." Wind's girlfriend gives Melvin Kennedie and Wind brings me a chubby, round faced, fair skinned, beautiful little boy with slick black hair.
When Wind's girlfriend brings Kennedie over, I ask her if she is expecting and tell her about my dream. "No Ma'am." We exchange the look... She smiles, I smile and remind her, my dreams can be prophetic.
Well, needless to say, while we were enjoying our Kennedie, the heavens opened and brought Kristian.
Wind, and I were there to welcome Kristian into the world. When his head crowned, Wind said, "Oooooo Ma, look at that hair!" Winds girlfriend was a real trooper, never cried, screamed, just listened as I said, "Okay, breath, push, you're doin' good..." And so Kristian was born two days after a new year.
Kristian came into the world a ladies man. He and I bonded from day one. He would go to Melvin, but he wanted grandma. This went on for about 3 or 4 months. On warm days, Melvin would sit on the deck for hours enjoying life and movement. We would eat and play with the kids in this space. On one spring day Kennedie and I were in the house doing something and I needed Melvin to hold Kristian while we completed the task. Melvin would cradle him in his lap, both looking forward. I could hear Melvin talking to the birds. He would whistle their tune and they would whistle back. I peered out to see what Kristian thought of that wonder of nature, because I loved it. The look on Kristian's face was that of awe and wonder. He would look at grandaddy, then listen for the birds, look, listen, look, listen. We sat there for sometime and enjoyed the conversation. Melvin and Kristian were forever bound and granddaddy became the pied piper, Kristian followed him every where.
The birds still give me messages from Melvin, there is one that gives me warning, one that says good morning, one that says don't worry, one that says stop crying, one that says check on my birds and many that say, "I love you."

tomorrow

Kennedie

Melvin and I wanted so much to give the boys a sister. We saw doctors and specialists, tried herbs and prayer, but it just wasn't to be, at least not the way we expected.
Melvin and Wind called me at work one fall day and told me I had to come home. I got there to find that someone had scratched Winds car down to the metal. We knew it was a girl, but which one. Winds first love had broken his heart so now he fancied himself a "playa," and scratches on a car is par for the course. I went back to work shaking my head and laughing to myself, "that boy, I know he has an idea of who the car keyer is, it'll come to light," I told myself. When I got home everything was quiet, then comes, Fire in his usual form to tell me the details of what's going on really fast before anyone else knows he's told me. With his, how was your day hug, he said, "Ma, thisgirlsaidsheispregnantwithWindsbabyandshekeyedthecar." "Baby!" I said. Melvin said, "Yeah, Poo the girl say Wind the baby daddy, I've been over to their house." "Baby!," I say again. "Wind have you been intimate with that girl?" I ask. Wind holds his head down, "Well did you use protection?" If he could have crawled into the pockets he was fidgeting in he would have, so step two, meet the parents.
We set a date and meet the parents, I do most of the talking and we all agree not to force marriage and make matters worse, because of their ages, too young.  The meeting was civil and we agreed to help in any way we could, but encouraged talking rather than vandalizing property, agreed.
In the interim, Melvin goes to California to take care of his sister, while he's there I do the Lamaze thing and keep the lines of communication open, Wind is being stubborn. In July, the baby is born, a beautiful little girl who is a cross between Melvin's oldest sister and his first wife. Wind comes to see me before he goes to see the baby for the pep talk he knew I'd give. He was dressed up and positive. When he didn't come back, I knew all was well.
When the baby came home, Wind took me to see her and it was love at first sight. Wind would hold her and just gaze at her for hours and then kiss her all over her face and neck. Melvin got home a few weeks later and he had the same reaction, so I guess you know we pretty much took the baby.
As she grew and came into her own Melvin would allow her to have her way all day, but he would put his foot down at bedtime. She would toss and turn or try to talk, just plain try to fight sleep and he would say, "Kennedie! lay down and go to sleep." And with that she would snuggle under me, put her fingers in MY mouth and go to sleep.
We finally had our little girl and we often thanked God for his miracle.

We ask God for a blessing our way and he sends the blessing his way.

Tomorrow

My Sense of Dread

Today I have felt overwhelmed and completely void of any sense of the next step in my life.
Is it:

• The weather or,
• Maybe  I stayed up too late last night watching television or,
• The gathering to bid my sister in law farewell or,
• My friend facing and winning a cancer battle or,
• The call that my grandmothers sister has been hospitalized or,
• Cupid celebrates on Monday and I do not look forward to it or,
• I fear the closing stories of this blog or
• Is it all of these things or none of these things.

I know that it took everything I could muster to write today. I've just gazed upon the snow and was reminded of how much I wanted a white Christmas in December 2005.

Tomorrow will be better...

Going to the Chapel

This second time around, Melvin was ready to tie the knot, but as much as I wanted to have his last name and be betroth to him forever, I was afraid. Twice brave, now shy. He would bring up the subject of marriage and I would brush it off. I didn't know if he was serious or not, at least that's what I told myself, and I wanted us to be together forever this time, my matrimonial track record was scathed with defeat, I couldn't bear it if we didn't make it.
It was not until a holiday celebration at one of his sisters that I became fully aware of how he felt. I walked in and caught the tail end of him saying, "It's not me this time, she doesn't want to." He was looking regretful. I was about to become alarmed when another sister took me to another room and said, "Pep wants to marry you, but he says you're not ready." I didn't know what to say. Melvin and I discussed everything and for him to share an intimate detail of our relationship with his sisters, struck me deeply. He was really ready.
We skirted the subject for some time. Then one day, in the fall, I came home from work, sat on the side of our bed and said, "Let's get married." He said, "You serious Poo?" "Yes," I said, "It's time and I want  us to set a positive example for the children." That was a Monday, we decided we would go to the court house on Thursday afternoon. I would be attending a workshop that day and would leave at lunch, come home and we would be married. I was surprisingly calm, but the closer it came to 12:00 pm I couldn't contain myself. I announced that I would getting married at lunchtime. They allowed me to briefly tell our story and some were so overcome with emotion that they cried. They even collected a minuscule dowry for me.
When I got home, Melvin was down right giddy. I had never seem him this nature of happy, I can't explain it, but it was beautiful. Just as we were about to exit the house, the entire sky opened and it rained so hard that the power shut off. We were standing in front of the garage door and without missing a beat, we looked at one another, pulled the garage door cord for manual opening, got two umbrellas and headed downtown.
We filled out and filed the forms, the entire time Melvin was dancing and joking around. I was the serious one. There are ministers in the court house, eager to marry couples and we were directed to one of them, Nancye. Melvin told the boys to meet us at the courthouse, we waited for them, but they went to the wrong one and the storm was steady. We were taken into a secluded room, there were people peering in, but our focus was on each other. I don't know what Melvin saw in my eyes, but what I saw in his remains etched in my mind. He looked down at me as if to say, you're mine forever, he never took his eyes off me. The minister was entranced by the event as well and commented on how much we seemed to love each other. The deed was done, we went home, Melvin cooked and called me his last name for days. Wind and Fire brought their friends over, I guess out of excitement. All three of the the boys had to peruse the marriage certificate to make sure it was real. It was official, I was unmistakenly Ma, Da's wife and we all had the same last name.

Tomorrow.

Our Love was Unique?

As I reminise about the love and life I shared with Melvin. I realize we were not the first to fall in love and we definitely will not be the last, yet in my mind I can not imagine a greater love. In high school we read and watched the story of Romeo and Juliet. My classmates seemed to care less, at the time, but I was mesmerized. To embark on a love that makes you disobey your parents and defy the naysayers who try to convince you it will never work. How can a heart be so bold?, I'd ask myself.
From the moment I laid my eyes upon Melvin, I knew I would never want or love another as deeply or as passionately, he spoke directly to my heart and the rest of me was putty in has hands. He could have misused or abused my love and adoration, instead he reciprocated with equal emotion and together we were a swirl of  beauty willing to share our joy.  Two lives trekking in black and white became high definition color. Every breath we took exhaled the air of spring and every word we uttered was a sonnet of devotion.
If I were blind folded and there were a thousand men in front of me, without hesitation, he is who I would choose. I used to tell him that often. I knew his smell and could feel his presence anytime and any place. Whitney Houston made a song, I believe is titled "Your love is My love," and in one verse she says, and I paraphrase, And if we had to live ont eh side of the road, I'd be right there with you. I would sing that part to Poo and inject, "I'll remind you why we're homeless, but if you're homeless, I'm homeless too." That's big for me, I am partial to creature comforts, thus this would be a definite sacrifice for me.
What are the odds that I would meet the man of my dreams from childhood?
When he was sixteen, I was one.
I grew up in California and Colorado, he grew up in Alabama.
He was suave and debonair,  and I was young and chunky, why would he want me? A women told him once, "When you get through playing with little girls, call me." We laughed for days at that one.
They told him, "She's too young for you." They told me, "He's too old for you?'
After we broke up they said, "Why did y'all break up, you were such a cute couple."

DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE SAY, FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND BE OBEDIENT TO THAT STILL SMALL VOICE, THAT IS OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN...

When we were together, no matter where we were, it felt as if there was no one else in the world, but us.
What we had was a good love, a 50/50 love. The story that best describes us is Jane Eyre by Emily Bronte.
Melvin never made my feel insignificant, insecure, inadequate, unattractive, unimportant or mondane.
He would say, "You mean the world to me and without you I would be lost. You are more than enough woman for me, your beauty and what you say excites me, delights me and I will never let you go."

Is love unique?, No. Was my love unique?, For me, yes, because it was mine, truly mine, it freed me and I shall forever have butterfly wings.

tomorrow

The Wheat from the Chaff

Melvin would tell me often that the women in our school system should hold fast to our standing in the community. At that time, the superintendent, police chief, middle and high school principals, athletic director and other school board members and employees were female. By all accounts, the school system was thriving academically. It was not as if we were an exclusive club, it was just the way it was. It only takes one person to plant a seed of discord. Our nemesis was a weed in tulip clothing. Melvin pegged this individual from day one. "Poo, that fella bears watching." Sure enough, the rumblings began of ineffective leadership across the board. No longer were we able to get items passed for the students academic advancement. Any request was questioned and we were being scrutinized at every turn. I loved my job, the school and they students, but the politics became too much for me.
I prayed that God would move me to another situation, yet when he did, because it was not the placement I thought I deserved, I was distraught. Melvin tried everything to console me. He finally had to call my family over to talk to me. It was my brother who said, "God answered your prayer, now you question him?" At first I didn't get it, I didn't want to, but afterward, I had to accept what he said as truth.
I have always tried to do the right thing, being the lead of that school was no different. I felt I deserved more consideration than what I was given. It seemed as though I was being punished by association and when I moved to lead administrator at an elementary school, I found out that was indeed the case. The weed bundled some of us into a choke hold, merely to show one individual that he could get her and her friends.
Luckily, those of us he thought he was sending to slaughter, have fared well, resilience is our strong suit. The weed, on the other hand, has not been heard from in some time, vengeance belongs to the Lord, and we let God have his way.
Melvin watched as my passion for educating wained, until it became almost, non-existent. My resignation from the field would be the last serious conversation Melvin and I would have.

tomorrow

The High School

From the beginning, Melvin and I were solid with education. When we met I was an elementary school teacher, by our second time around I was at a high school serving as an administrator. When I was at the elementary school level, Melvin became an officer in the schools PTA. He was so proud of the position and the changes he and the other parents were making at the school.  They were all involved, dedicated and raised funds for the school. At home, Melvin would share with me his ideas about the direction the school should pursue and how parents could get involved. He also talked me into starting a summer camp at the swim club across the street. We both had a blast. All of his ideas would be great, but sometimes we found it difficult to get the support we needed to get the ball rolling. I still have his notes of ideas, I can not bring myself to get rid of them.
I really don't know how I got to the high school, God wanted me there, I guess. I was terrified at first, but the students were a delight, once you got to know them. I worked as an assistant and for some reason had to do the lead administrators job. I enjoy a challenge, so I dug right in. Wind was a senior that year. I was ecstatic that I would be the one to call his name to receive his diploma. As he passed me on the stage, during the ceremony, he whispered, "I love you Ma." Everyone said I looked pretty on stage, it was Wind, he made me glow with glee. Melvin was in the audience tickled blue at the picture.
The first day I was officially the lead administrator at the school was out of sight. The faculty, parents and students rallied around me and we had a successful day. I told Melvin every detail of the day when I got home.  He had questions and suggestions for the next day. I would take his ideas and run, I'd call the secretary and other key faculty members and let them know what we would do the next day, and they, being so dedicated, would make it happen. This was how we did it for five years. We were all in it together and everyone accepted that Melvin was a member of our team of positive academic change.
After football games me, Melvin and our children would be on the field with the students. During the games he would sit in the press box, as if it was his very own den. This was a good time for us.

Tomorrow

Part II - That Doctor Called

I had one illness after another throughout the entire year. The car seemed to know the way to the doctor's office or the hospital. The hospital staff knew us by first name, we were almost fixtures.
If it had not been for my husband I would have given in and given up. He was strong when I needed him to be strong and vulnerable if anyone tried to hurt me. He cried for me.
No matter how long my hospital stays lasted, he never left my side, not even to go home for clothes. If he got a stain on his shirt, he'd turn it over. He wanted to be sure I was taken care of and we hated to be out of the others realm for more than a few hours.
Once when I came home from an extended hospital stay, my grandmother decided she would come to our house to help with cooking and such, her being a retired nurse she's used to assisting the "sick and the shut in". She meant no harm, but as she stood in our kitchen washing dishes, Melvin, very politely, told her that he takes care of me and they, she nor my mother, needed to worry, I was in good hands. With that, my grandmother went home and told anyone who would listen, "that gal's in good hands."
On another return home he put up new blinds in the bedroom, the ones I had been clamoring to have, he picked them up during the post op wait. Another time he and one of my girlfriends took me to see Prince in concert. I was still sore and he knows I love to dance so he held me in his lap, to steady me and I was able to move and enjoy the concert.
On the last leg of the illnesses and surgeries, my baby was getting tired. I too was tired of being in convalescent mode all the time. I wanted the clothes washed and I wanted to do, he wouldn't allow it. I got angry and said, "Take me to my momma!" He said "Okay Poo, but what about me?" Those six words may as well have been a stun gun, I was shocked back to reality. How could I be so selfish. As you can imagine I felt like a grain of sand, so I tucked my tail, got back into bed and went to sleep. He had a smooth, ole school way of defusing my rants or tantrums, he liked to talk. "Poo let's talk about it," and we would for hours and if we came to an impasse, we simply let it go.
This second phase of our romance had mellowed both of us, especially him, God is still working with me.

Post Note:
Fire called me today and gingerly gave me the news that my sister in law, one of Melvin's younger sisters, passed this morning. My first thought was, "Ooooooo, she gets to see Poo."

tomorrow.

Part I - That Doctor Called

Life was wonderful. The kids were fine, the job was fine, my parents were fine and we were so much in love with one another, and our life together. I could not imagine being happier. We had so many completely joyous days and Melvin would say this happiness scares me, something is bound to happen. We were not ones to allow our joy to be usurped wholesale, yet we're human and sometimes the blows of living each day would place us in "time out" to regroup. Fortunately, we both had the good sense to realize God is ever in the picture and as I long as I had him and he had me we'd get up, brush ourselves off, and take on another day.
The year, 2005. Spring is emerging, the sap is rising and all is fair in love and war. I always have my annual physicals in the spring and this year was no different.  I was almost cancelled my mammogram, but my doctor and Melvin were so insistent. Got that done, it was routine, in and out.
A few days after the visit, the hospital calls to ask if I can come back for another mammogram, nothing serious, they just wanted to be sure there was nothing amiss. I go in, get it done, no worries.
Friday, home from work, ready for me and Poo's weekend party, this was a rare weekend we didn't have a house filled with children, and Melvin seemed filled with foreboding. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Poo, that doctor's been calling here all day. She said she tried to call you at work and couldn't get you. She would not tell me what she wanted. How come she can't tell me, I'm your husband?" I tried to console him, but by then he was in a tizzy. I brushed it off, "Maybe it's a copay or something minor. I turned the music on danced and was silly for him, he calmed down and started our Friday meal of fish and shrimp. Just when we were about to discuss our trip for Spring Break, the telephone rang. He stopped in his tracks as if he knew it was the doctor. By now, I too, thought it strange a doctor would be calling after 8:00 pm. I answered the phone, "Hello." Melvin was on the other line, in another room. The doctor proceeded to inform me that the spots they found in my breast were cancer and spreading fast. I would have to schedule surgery within two weeks.
I was calm, I guess what I was being told did not register, but when I turned around, Melvin was in the room with me holding the phone, tears streaming down his face. My husband was devastated. I knew, on that day, I had to be strong for him.
Months before this announcement, a colleague of mine shared her thoughts on how you know your man truly loves you. She said if he sticks by you when you're really down, I mean sick, she said, not the flu, but a real illness, that's when you know you got something that's real and yours for life.
Let me tell you, mine was not a diamond in the rough, but a precious stone, a gem.

tomorrow.

Mutual Respect

Melvin and I took great care of one another. He, being retired, took care of our home and the needs of my mother while I worked. Monday through Friday he cooked all the meals and cleaned the house and boy could he clean. If I happened to come home in the middle of the day, he would have the music and televisions on, doors and windows open, if it was a nice day, and the aroma of  bleach, pine sol  and any other cleaning agent would choke you. He would clean floors walls anything with a speck.
Once when my mother had to stay with us for a few days she said, "Melvin's meals don't match, but they're so good." That day for breakfast he fed her chicken wings, grits a half of a baked potato and toast, he gave you toast with every meal. I loved his meals,#1 because I didn't have to prepare them and # 2, he enjoyed
it and prepared the meals with love. I strongly believe that ones palate can not resist the taste of food prepared with love. If you want to make your loved one happy take the time to prepare a meal their taste buds will never forget. Do it all in your mind first, step by step, use only the best ingredients, then watch what happens.
Melvin never washed dishes. His sisters would not allow it, they said he half cleaned them, so, alone he had a dishwasher with me, he left a mess, a mess I never minded reaping.
While Melvin was the weekday chef and aesthetic purveyor, I had my chores as well. He was particular about his clothes so I laundered and steam cleaned his fine pieces. I washed and folded all clothes and kept our drawers and closets neatly organized.
I was his barber. Every time he would sit in the chair, for his hair cut, I would engage him in banter, "How's your wife and them boys?" and he would follow right along. Having taken cosmetology in high school I also manicured his and the boys nails.
We would eat out on Saturdays, but on Sundays, only my meals would do and though we live in a society where a woman's Independence is celebrated, Melvin was the head of our household. He would give me a lot of rope, and I knew how far to go. We strived to  honor Ephesians 5:21-33. On the days he perplexed my very fiber, I read or recalled Proverbs 31:10-31. And on the days I was full of myself he would grab and hold me until we both fell out laughing.
Love is a wonderful emotion of sacrifice, patience, submitting, relenting, engaging and staging, holding on and letting go, growing closer and anticipating the others thoughts, need or gesture. True love with mutual respect resembles the flight of birds in information connected by the translucent chords of unconditional devotion.


Tomorrow

Angel of the Morning

The only way to describe how Melvin and I returned to one anothers care is ethereal. I was in an egotistical space in my life, concentrating on the id of my psyche. I was twice divorced, on the cusp of 40, anxious and basically infuriated with the world, especially myself. I was working at a high school, which left little time to feel pity for my circumstances, thus I probably came off as aloof and unfeeling at times. It was during this time that my mothers knees began to bother her and the physician informed her she would required knee replacement surgery. The year was 2000.
The night before the surgery anxiety set in, my mother has never had to have an extended stay in a hospital and she can be quite stubborn. How will I manage and keep pace at the high school? I finally dropped off to sleep. During my slumber I dreamt of Melvin's first wife dressed in a beautiful, white, chiffon gown. There was a glow and wind blown peace about her. I watched as she glided down the hallway of my home. When she reached  my bedroom she came in and lay directly atop me, her back to my front and we became one.
Needless to say, I sat straight up. I was not afraid or even anxious anymore, but I began to calculate how old she would have been here on earth and how peacefully her spirit and mine co existed in the home we both shared with Melvin and her sons.
I knew then I had to call him. All manner of questioned began to plague me, are they alright, what is she trying to tell me, is it mother and so on. I must have sat in that bed with this for around 30 minutes then realized I would be late for work.
High schools are always bustling so I did not expend anymore thought on the dream until after school. For some reason my aunt, who had no school age children came to the school. As we sat and talked, out of the blue she said, "If someone hits your mind you should check on them, you never know... Jean used to say that all the time." Jean is my mother. I can't remember if I told her about the dream or not, but I knew I had to call and check on Melvin and the boys.
I knew he had a lady friend and I did not want to intrude so I practiced my introduction if she answered the telephone. "Hi, I am a friend of Melvin and the boys, I don't really need to speak with them, I just need to know they are all okay." Yeah, that's what I'll say!
I call, the phone rings once, Melvin answers, "Hallo." "Heeeyyy," I say. He says, "Hey Poo, I've been waiting for you to call." And from that moment on we were never apart again.

I believe that the angel was telling me to take her place with the children, she trusted me and it was time. Left to my druthers I would have allowed this infusion to pass, but my obedience placed me in the position I was meant to fulfill. God's peace is doing what he calls you to do, even when, to others, you seem daft. I would not trade the last eleven years for anything except God and his son.

TOMORROW

Fire

My mother in law used to say, especially when it came to Melvin and I, "Two blocks of ice will never melt." Think about it. Melting is always a good sign unless you are supposed to be frigid, and Frosty the Snow man we ain't. When he was cold, I was hot, when I was cold he was hot, thus we could always melt in the others arms.
Our middle son, Fire is always on. He bears the look and has the heart of a cherub, but his mind is always on fire. What's the next move, I've got to watch my back and your back and his back and our back, just always pinging, another Melvin word.
When Fire was a boy he clung to me like a comfortable sweater. He shared all of his ideas, hopes, dreams and gossip with me. None of our sons could ever lie to us, but to this day if I look at Fire a certain way, he spills the beans. "See Ma, this is what happened..." Every mother has that child that will follow you to the bathroom and continue their conversation with you, non stop, no matter what you're doing, that's Fire. On those summer days when the boys and their friends would be in the yard playing, I would hear the teasing and taunting that would, eventually, get around to Fire. He would laugh it off and continue playing, but in my mind I would be praying that they left him alone, because, like me, his rage is spontaneous and before you know it he on you worse than a full grown BAD habit ready to tear you limb from limb, and when the monster subsides and the fire dies down his heart is broken by the act of his anger. Fire.
His passions run deep and when he is at peace the warmth of his glow draws you to him, he keeps our family together and bridges the gaps when needed.
When Melvin transitioned, Fire was at work and his uncle, my brother, had to get him. No one could touch him, but me and even that was difficult. As he entered the room, combustion, a discharge of flames had ignited and just when his arms begun to tear down fixtures in the room, "Fire, not now!" I screamed and as suddenly as the fire started, they immediately flickered to embers and all was calm and grief was the order of the wee hour of that morning. Weeping endured for many nights, yet it is the God in Fire who helped bring joy in the morning.

And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them.
Acts 2:3

28 days left.

Melvin's Song

Every since I was a little girl I have written songs. My mother said she would have to sit and listen to 4 to 5 page songs that seemed to go on forever. Bless her heart. My father sang with the Temptations before they became Temptations and were just a group of boys singing on the street corners of Alabama.
When we lived in California, my father discovered that me, my brother, and two cousins could really harmonize and he set out to make us the next musical sensation. He'd won an electric guitar and amplifier on The Price is Right and purchased a microphone. Everyday after school we all met at our house and would practice singing songs my father had penned. Unfortunately our little group disbanded when we moved to Alabama. Thus, amateur song writing is in my blood.
I have penned several christian songs that I sing to myself now, but used to sing for Melvin. He would listen to each new song so intently and say, "Poo, we need to record those little songs." Something in his voice would let me know he was humoring me, but I adored the fact that he listened.
I wrote this song to him in March of 2006.

Melvin's Song

If you knew my Melvin,

the way I know my Melvin,

you too would truly see,

that me and my Melvin,

loved inseparably,

 truly, deeply, completely.

His eyes, how they sparkled

and his smile filled with glee,

for me no one else will there be,

'Cause me and my Melvin loved inseparably,

 truly, deeply, completely.

Gone February,

left us all here to grieve,

someday together we'll be,

'Cause me and my Melvin loved inseparably,

 truly, deeply, completely.

humming...

'Cause me and my Melvin loved inseparably,

 truly, deeply, completely.

Tomorrow

Regression

Today started like any other, new, Saturday for me, I forced myself to sleep in a little later than usual. I managed to lay still until about 7:00. Then I felt the nasal pressure affecting my smile and knew I had to make good on the promise I gave my sister in law that I would be in a "Doc in the Box" by 8:00. I decided breakfast and a cup of coffee would be required, goodness knows how long a doctor visit would take.  I was half heartily watching a movie on Lifetime, when certain aspects of the program caught my attention I became entranced by the story line. A man was imprisoned for a crime, he said, he did not commit. An attorney had reviewed his case and asked his paralegal to begin researching the old case file. Before they could begin, the attorney died. Now the focal point of the story, by it's title, "Wrongly Accused," or something like that was about the 22 year imprisonment of this innocent man, I, related to the paralegal. At the onset she had lost two husbands to death. This made her squeamish of funerals, so she sat outside the church of her attorney friends memorial, my best friends son past recently, I could only get as close as the church parking lot. This was an outspoken, go-getter woman with an outward facade of invincibly, behind closed doors the fetal position was her solace. I live in that circle.
At any rate she meets a man, they fall in love and he asks her to marry him. She is reluctant because of her past experience, and of course other twists from her youth, and, he needs an organ, heart, kidney or the like, I missed that part I didn't want my french toast to burn. She finally accepts, they marry, he supports her efforts on behalf of the innocent man  and life is pretty good. He finally gets the transplant, they start to make plans, then she wakes up one morning to find him laying next to her eyes open looking in the direction of the left (embracing or revisiting the past). My average new morning turned to an old familiar past and I heard a bellow of mourning pierce my solitude and I was crying uncontrollably as I did for eight months straight several times a day five years ago. One of my best friends, from my BFF from high school triangle, once told my that purging myself of the grief through tears was good and let it flow, so I do. I always feel better afterward. This time I fell to my knees and praised God and asked for the continued protection of my loved ones and some enemies, I ain't so good to pray for all my snakes yet, but he ain't done wit' me...   I got up, finished the movie, dressed, saw the doc, it's just a sinus infection.
When Melvin passed, he was looking to the right, this is embracing and going forward to the future. That gives me comfort.

Tomorrow

A Rushing Mighty Wind

...And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. Acts 2:2.

And so it is with our youngest son, Wind. He was the happiest, silliest most adorable little bird in the nest. Melvin always referred to the boys as his birds. "Me and my birds..." he would say. Wind had a pale face, pink ears and bewildered eyes like giant marbles, he was just too cute. The first time I arrived at their home, he called me to the bottom of the stairs and said, "You gone marry my daddy?" I smiled and said, "I don't know." With that he scurried upstairs to tell Fire and Earth, "She gone marry daddy."  Wind had this infectious giggle that prompted one to tickle him just to hear it again. He was the baby, but always attune to what was going on around him. His observations would lie dormant and just when you thought he was unaware of a situation, he would, abashedly state his point of view. Adults do not always want to hear the reproof of a child, for his comments would sometimes offend, no matter how true they were, so, Wind would be reprimanded, not for his insightfulness, but for stepping out of a child's place. Behind closed doors Melvin and I would marvel at how astute he was, and how unaware he was of his gift. To this day I don't think he realizes the full measure of his acumen.

Of my three sons, Wind knows me best. When Melvin went to California for three weeks to take care of his sister, Wind came by to either cook, clean, talk or just spend time with me. "Ma, I promised Da I would take care of you," and he did. There was only one day I didn't see him, and that was when his daughter was born.
When Da told him I was ill, he would come and hold my hand until I fell asleep or Melvin would say, "You can let her go now, son." Whenever he's here he knows just what I needs to be done to make my life happier and keep my life sane.
After Melvin went home all three of our sons stayed with me. Wind would sing to me. If he was mopping the kitchen he would be singing; scrubbing the shower walls, singing; cooking, singing. In between his songs he would come and put his humorous twist on something Earth or Fire did or said and tale does not conclude until I am weak with laughter. When Melvin left I couldn't sleep, none of us slept. We would call one another at two, three, four, five in the morning. The calls would come just at the right moment, the Hello greeting would be tinged with sorrow or nasal labored. Sometimes the boys would take me riding in the night, in silence, as if we were trying to find Da.
Death is only sad to the living and after a while Wind, the happiest of all my children, stopped smiling, ceased laughing and it tore me to slithers, for there was nothing I could do, but I prayed and I pray.
Wind has three children of his own now, all of whom bare a semblance of him, but the youngest is his clone, I am in awe each time I see him.   When he is being chastised, he's still grinning, Wind was the exact same.

It was Wind and I who stood hapless as Melvin's soul glimmered to Papa, Mu and Daddy.

...tommorrow...

That House

After Melvin and I were, officially, married we started making plans for our future. He was retired, the children were grown, I was at the threshold of retirement, we could finally consume the fruits of our labor. We both loved traveling and meeting people, so journeys to other countries would be a given. Between us we'd bought four homes and an innumerable amount of cars, I know Earth had at least five, yet I had never had one built to my specification and Melvin wanted me to have my dream home. I was not enamored with the idea, but if that's what my man wants for me, how can I object. We began to window shop anytime we were out driving. If we passed a nice area or subdivision he would turn in and we'd gaze and critique, none caught my fancy.
One day while driving near highway 150, Melvin said, "Poo, lets look over here, they'll let you tell 'em what you want and how you want your house built." I reluctantly said okay and we began the laborious banter of how they look, is that the size, it's not a corner lot and on and on. He finally saw one that beckoned, Open House, Come On In. It was, truly, not something I wanted, but Melvin insisted we go in and look around. It was not completed, but a work in progress. Melvin walked all around the interior, upstairs, downstairs, the backyard and the basement. I was snobbishly peering into the rooms, but my attention was on the grey, brick cathedral ceiling home across the street. "Poo this would be a perfect home for Joe, my brother, to raise his family." "Yeah," I said still not paying attention. I guess he was satisfied with home window shopping for that day, because we drove home after that one walk through.
Afterward I became ill and between taking care of me and the grandchildren that kept coming,
we never purchased my dream home and that's okay, it would have been, yet another material possession to maintain. After Melvin transitioned I was happy we didn't move, I wouldn't have been able to afford it alone.
My brother, on the other hand, needed to move, his growing family had outgrown their modest home in the Oaks and were shopping around for a good deal. My brother is a child of obedience, so though a more spacious domain was becoming a necessity, he was not going to rush into making such a large, long term purchase.
He and his wife looked and searched, placed bids, signed contracts and for some reason or another the deals would fall through. Never dismayed, he'd say, "I guess that wasn't the one." One day he called me and told me his fraternity brother, who was a realtor, wanted them to peruse a new subdivision, no promises, just check it out. They went, they saw, they liked, they made the deal. When it was time to close my brother came over, with such delight and told me he wanted me to take the virtual tour of the home. He was so excited and his glee filtered over to me. We sat down, he started the tour and was going on about the home, the upstairs, downstairs, backyard and basement.  I could hardly catch my breath, the tears were streaming down my face. "What's wrong, What's wrong?" my brother kept asking, but I couldn't get the words out. I asked him to go back to the first picture of the foyer and from there I began to tell him about the house. I said, "Isn't there a funny little nook at the top of the stairs?" "Yes." "And isn't there a grey, brick cathedral ceiling home across the street?" "Yes." By now I was weeping uncontrollably. "Melvin picked this house for y'all before he left." That's when my brother understood the reason the other homes never came to fruition."This is the one," he said. When we told his family the story, they were at peace as well. After they settled into the new home I asked one of my nieces if she was ever afraid in their new surroundings and she said, "No, Uncle Melvin picked this house."


Tomorrow...

The Boy

I vicariously lived and grew up in Westfield, the boyhood home of my beloved. Most of the people who lived in this town were connected in some way to US Steel, for this reason I would tease my husband and his siblings and say, "Westfield was a pilot city." Listening to their stories,the amenities they had were not available in neighboring towns at the time, i.e independent garbage and sewage collection a commissary and a few other things I can't recall.
Melvin was the third of seven children, two boys and five girls. His brother was older and off making his mark in the world so Melvin was surrounded by girls. His sisters would tell me how mischievous he was and how they tried, unsuccessfully, boss him. In rebellion he would hide their dolls or cut the dolls hair, taunt their girl friends when they came to visit and kiss them on the forehead so hard that a red mark would appear, this would become a trademark kiss given to me, my children and his younger sisters.
What he loved most was playing underneath the house with his toy soldiers and cars and going over to Papa's house. Papa was his granddad. Being the only boy at home, this was his great escape where he could avoid chores, have time away from the girls and eat Mrs. Della's cooking. He loved his family and I believe being raised with so many girls made his heart more compassionate to the sensitivity of a woman's heart, but Papa was larger than life to him. He loved to tell the story of how he would sell peanuts for his grandad at the balls games and him being a little boy a man once took a bag of his peanuts and did not pay him. He said Papa, who walked with a cane, saw the incident and told the man to pay him, the man still refused. Now Papa was a quiet man, as was Melvin's dad, so without saying a word Papa came across that mans head with the cane, suffice to say, the peanuts were paid for, no one said a word. Melvin looked on with awe. Papa sat back down and continued watching the game. This act of courage was not wasted on Melvin and served him well when he had to defend himself from a bully.  His growth spurt was delayed so, for a while, he was smaller than some of the other boys, one fellow took his lack of physical stature for granted and tried to bully him on the walk home from school. Melvin said he took a piece of two by four and hid it in the bushes on the path home, when the bully came at him he lead the boy right to the two by four and wailed on his head, after that, his size became a misnomer and the bullies left him alone. They would say, "better not mess with Pep, a nickname he earned from eating a bunch of peppers he thought were fruit, he got sticks hid out everywhere to knock you out."
 The little mischievous boy was also a  ladies man. He and his friends would peer through the windows of girls in their little town to see if they could catch them undressing... and he remembered, fondly, his first tryst with the neighborhood  fast girl.
Once when we attended a funeral of one of his classmates, afterward, all I could hear was his female schoolmates chirping, "Heeeeyyy Pep, Heeeeyyy Pep," while looking at him impishly. I would stand back and watch the spectacle and imagine that's how it was when he was a boy. He'd drop his head to the side and say, "Hey there or Hey Baby," give them a hug and fain interest in what they were saying. If he said, Sho' Nuff?" that was code for he ain't heard a word they said and Poo rescue me.  He was a funny man and a precocious little boy.


Tomorrow.

Obedience

Many of the decisions I have made in my life have been, unfavorable, unpopular and left of the norm and this has never affected me. Quite frankly, sometimes, I don't  fully ascertain what I'm doing, but I've come to accept obedience. Our culture has lead us to theorize that the mere word obey is an affront to our character and demeaning to the individual that we are, crap, all crap. Obedience is why some of us have held firm to our minds in the midst of crisis, obedience is why many of us prosper in  poor economic downturns, obedience is why I can look back and say, "I am so glad I didn't give up and give in." It is easy to do the wrong thing, doing what's right is the challenge, I 've always enjoyed a good challenge.
As children we obey our parents:
"Don't run in the street, you might get hit by a car!" It didn't sink in until you saw someone get hit and injured.
"Don't touch that stove, it's hot." Then that throbbing blister makes you a believer.
"You better get your lesson in school, so you can take care of yourself." Doesn't quite sink in until,
 upon entering that job interview you realize, your resume and skills don't quite measure up.
On our jobs we obey the rules and regulations or suffer the consequences.
I have obeyed parents and policy,  and I do this because of my obedience to God.
I once asked one of my spiritual mentors, "How do you know when God is urging you to heed his calling?' she told me, and I paraphrase, that if there is doubt, insecurity a lingering, nagging feeling that worries you to sleeplessness, that's the thing you should avoid. God's will is none of these things, we know he is not the author of confusion, but of peace, if there is no peace, it is not the plan for you.
I have a friend who has had every job imaginable, and couldn't prosper,gain a grip or hold on to anything and nurturing an inner turmoil hat was about to name itself as a disease. All the while, that still small voice was saying, "You know you hear me, come on." She was too afraid, started questioning and doubting that gut wrenching urge to manifest that gift God wants you to set free, we all know what I'm talking about. Then she hit rock bottom and there was nothing else to do,but what felt comfortable, and in her case it was to speak on behalf of God. The first time she did in front of people, they were overjoyed and she was too. The next day she felt lighter, freer, able to laugh and enjoy living. Now she is an ordained minister, married and calm as still waters.
Find your path, don't worry about what anyone thinks or says, do you, be you. When we hoard our gifts we deny the world the experience...

...And this is how Melvin and I would minister to one another on Sunday mornings, he would often say, "I hope everyone is sharing and conversat'n with one another like we do." Me too Poo, me too."

Being obedient when others knew I was crazy has given me a truer since of myself, even as a girl I wanted to be Sarah to God's Abraham.

Tomorrow

My Earth

The good old Webster New World Dictionary, 1968 edition definition of earth is:

 Earth - soil; ground; protection as for a seed; practical; realistic.

This collection of nouns and verb tenses describe our eldest son.

I knew Wind and Fire because they attended the elementary school were I was teaching when I met Melvin. Earth had moved to middle school. When I came into his life, neither of us knew what to make of the other. He remained in his room and to himself and we respected one anothers space. Many months after becoming the common law wife, but permanent mother, I was overjoyed when Earth came to me for assistance with home work. I did my best to act as though this was just another occurrence in our lives, but Melvin and I were ecstatic. I felt like Sally Field, "He likes me, he really likes me!" At that period in our life I never received smothering love from him, but I knew the feeling was there. Earth adored Da, (the a pronunciation is short) I loved to hear them say, "heyda." it was all one word (hey dad). It was not what he said or did with his father, but they way he looked at him, he really loved Melvin.
When Earth was around 11 or 12 he developed a tumor on his brain. This was during the time Melvin was away. I truly believe that missing and worrying for his father made him ill, but the cure was Melvin walking into his hospital room and sharing what God had shared with him, "My son, be not afraid, I am always with you and God will make a way." Praise God he did and Earth made a full recovery.
My grandmother taught me how to pray and instilled in me the power of prayer, but earth taught me how to bow down on bended knee and talk to God and his son.
Sixteen, driver's license, first car, get the picture. Lord have mercy. We told ourselves he can help shuffle the boys to school and baseball practice and help with minor errands, yeah right. He did, but how can you keep a teenage male whose cute as a button at home or tell them to stay within a set radius when they have their first car. Melvin would go to sleep on those nights, but if he was a few minutes past his curfew, I panicked and fell to the floor, and just when I would be about to make my inaudible conversation with the Lord a wake up the house shout, Earth would pull into the driveway, then I would go to sleep.
Melvin and I didn't officially marry until Earth was in love a ready to propose marriage himself, but when I told him, I told Melvin I wanted to be the one to tell Earth, he wouldn't let me talk, he just kissed me all over my face and for the first time I was given the same passionate look of love I had observed him share with only his father and brothers, my joy to this day is unspeakable. This is also the time I found out there was a vote if Da should marry me years before and Earth said,"Ma, I voted for you."
My Earth is solid, practical and realistic, he is so abreast of the world and his surroundings, yet chooses to be far removed from the toil. Earth is a source of deep, abiding love, a trait he gleaned from his father. And on this day we celebrate the birth of our son Earth.

Tomorrow.