It's Been Seven Years...

It's twenty thirteen and I have been a widow for seven years. The creeping initial years seem to have flown by since I penned my last 49 days with Melvin. My cathartic journey was an amazing healer for my soul. I realized that my husband was not coming back and I was still here and must live and move on.

Since my enlightenment I have enjoyed a peace that surpasses all my understanding. My memories focus on the joy in life rather than the sorrow of living.

My children are working, growing, living and learning. My parents are settled. My brother's seem content. Yes, I said brothers. I have a brother in Denver, Colorado named Benjamin who shares the creative flair of Joe and I. We're connecting, slowly but surely.

I've begun a second phase in my career and at 50 I'm learning new skills at work and embracing new relationships and friendships. I long to be loved and love again, but if it never happens I feel secure in that I have loved been loved unconditionally.

Thank you God, Thank you Lord, Thank you God, Thank you Lord.
Thank you God, and your Son, Thank you Lord, and your Son, Thank you God and your Son, Thank your Lord and your Son.
I love you God, and your Son...
I praise you God and your Son...
No one loves me, the way you do, and it was you, who brought me through.
I praise your name, I live for you, your words to me have all come true.
Thank you God, Thank you Lord, Thank you God, Thank you Lord...

This is the song I sing to my Father God in Heaven for it is He and the angels he charges to guide me that give me strength to face my days.

For:
Melvin Jr and his family,
Kelvin and his family,
Michael and his faimily,
Joe and his family,
Ben and his family,
Don, Warren, Wayne, Darrin, Walter, Bart and their families,
Colleen and her family,
Veronica, Vickie, Yoette and their families,
Madear, Aunt Ethel, Alberta and Marie and their familes, and
Me, Mommy and Daddy all who we love, all who love us, those we don't love and those who do not loves us, our friends and enemies, because we know that you are omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent and you can do all things but fail. I lift my hands to you, no other help I know. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

Take Me To The King

This story was inspired from waking up to Tamala Mann singing this song last Thursday on the Tom Joyner Morning Show in his Red Velvet Cake Studio.

 The other day I received a call from a close friend telling me she had lost everything. An early morning fire had consumed her home and everything but the front porch was gone.

I was in disbelief and the, “I’m so sorry.” I uttered just didn’t seem to be enough. Silence pounded through the phone, then I finally mustered, “I’m on my way.”

I paced the floor trying to get my thoughts together, what will I tell her, what could I tell her?  The divorce just a few months ago left her tattered, not to mention the spiritual necroses of her soul after the miscarriage of her son having carried him in her womb for six months. Now this, bless your heart, is not what I’ll say for I’m sure her heart feels anemic by now. 

As I dress to go be with my friend, I repeat the Lord’s Prayer for strength and guidance on how God wanted me to aid his lamb who probably feels lost and alone.

When I open the door of my home I am greeted by a beautiful day, the sun is gleaming and a gentle breeze says God is here. My selfish anxiety for my friend is dissipating and I start to have my usual morning conversation with Jesus, which consists of praise, thanksgiving, petitions for me ,my  family, friends and enemies and then the what I plan to do today and so on.

At the corner of my friends house I see the remnants of her home, charred and a mere pile of black mass. The fire truck is gone and people are walking away shaking their heads hung low. Behind the exodus of people I see my friend sitting on the steps of the lone surviving cement porch. She is rocking and cradling something in her arms.  I park, take a deep breath and call on my Father, I open the car door and that gentle breeze, tells me He’s there.  My friend never looks up, yet I sense she knows I’m here.  A woman is leaving, my friend has just shook her head motioning no to the lady, the lady gently touches her shoulder and seems to say goodbye. As we pass one another the lady looks at me and shakes her head as if to say “she’s beyond help and wants no help.”  Before I can breath, that gentle breeze embraces and I remain calm.  I sit next to my friend and wrap my arm around her shoulder and she seems to melt into my arms.  Warm tears run down my face and I take deep breaths to release the sorrow she is transferring to me. I rock her in silence and in the gentle breeze I am moved to sing to her the simple song I sing to myself when I am alone with God and his son, “Thank you God, Thank you Lord, Thank you God, Thank you Lord. Thank you God, and your son, Thank you Lord, and your son, Thank you God, and you son, Thank you Lord and you son…”

After a while my friend looks up at me with a comforting smile and says;

“Take me to the King, I don’t have much to bring, my heart torn in pieces is my offering.”

In that moment I realized that my friend had been asked by many how they could help and she told them there was nothing they could do, but she waited for me.  My friend was asking me to take her to the King, which meant she trusted that I knew the King and the way to his throne. Like the lady in the bible who gave her last cent, all that she had to Jesus, she knew God’s love and grace didn’t require a lot, only her willingness to accept him and his son who would later die on the cross for our sins. My friend had faith like the lady with the issue of blood, just the touch of the hem of Jesus’ garment would heal her and make her whole, and that God would take her offering of a tattered heart, heal it, restore it and make it better than before.

I looked back at my friend and told her, the King knew the journey would be hard for you today so he’s come to you. She lifted her face to the sun and I saw the breeze touch her hair. She smiled with her eyes closed and said, “Aw yes, I feel him, He’s here.”  She relaxed her arms and opened the seared cedar box she had been embracing which she saved from the fire that held cherished remnants of her past that had touched her heart.

Sometimes, What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us CRAZY...

Like, as a child, my brother and I learned early that if my father asked you a question he meant for you to provide an answer or at the least seek to find the answer.  An off the cuff response or the dreaded, "I don't know," would not suffice. He would only ask what he felt was within your purview of knowledge, so an answer was not as difficult as it may sound. For instance, "What did you learn at school today?" "Nothing or I don't know" meant you were given homework at his behest, a lecture or if he was drinking, the belt.

So, the other day when I asked a co-worker a question, that was within their realm of knowledge and the response was, "I don't know." My response was, "Where I come from" I don't know" was an A_ _ whipping!" It crossed my tongue before I could catch it and I felt bad afterward, but the next time I asked a question later in the day, the answer was not known, but the effort was made to satisfy my inquisition.

My dad's relentless quest for knowledge and answers was grueling and bordered on cruel, or so I thought while I was a child, it didn't kill me, but for me and to my children, it made me a little CRAZY when an answer is what I seek.

What didn't kill you, but made you CRAZY!!!???

Healing Purge of Words

It's been one year since I bared my soul in order to subside the grief that overwhelmed my stabilities. Thanks to my obedience to God in sharing this story, 2012 was sad for me from February to March, but not nearly as grueling as the years prior.
If you are new to this blog and want to read my love journey from the beginning, scroll down to the blog archive, click 2011 and take the 49 day journey.

Love is the greatest of God's gifts and sometimes the hardest to share, let go and let God, for he'll never let you down.

Thanks for following and as always, pass it on...

So Early in the Morning

It was 1:00 in the morning, I woke up sweating from a hot flash. Melvin had suggested, some time ago, that I stand at the back door and let fresh air cool me. I thought my new fan, he bought would help, but I am still HOT!!! I get up, go to the back door, and breath the cool air. The slight wind feels good on my moist face. This worked, I thought. I get back into bed.  I want to wake Poody up to tell him his idea worked, but I'll wait until morning. I snuggle under him and fall asleep.
A snoring sound with a gurgle, wakes me again. "Poo sit up, you sound funny," I say. No response and he doesn't rise. He has acid reflux so I'm thinking I need to get him to sit up so he won't have that acid surge that makes him vomit. "Poo sit up!" I nudge him. By this time the gurgle is more of a kkkkkkggggkkkkk,kkkkkggggkkkkkk,kkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I jump up, turn on the lamp and Lord help me, my baby is struggling, it was 1:30 am. I am always calm during a crisis and panic afterward, but this time was different, it was my heart, my life, my Melvin, I just couldn't think, I panicked, I was in shock. I started patting his face, "Poo, look at me Poo, what's wrong baby?" I grabbed the phone and called Wind. "Something is wrong with daddy!" I said. "Ma, did you call 911?" I hung up, and dialed 911. By then I was screaming and crying and they had to keep telling me to calm down, they couldn't understand me. I don't know how, but Wind was there within seconds it seemed. He arrived before the paramedics. In the meantime he was trying CPR and the 911 person, on the phone, was trying to tell me what to tell Wind to do but I was still hysterical and Melvin stopped doing anything. Wind was saying "Da look at me, look at me, wake up Da, come on now." Then Melvin gasped upward, we thought we had him. All the while Melvin was looking to the left and at a certain point it seemed as though he saw something that drew his attention. His eyes seemed to say, "I want to stay with you, but let me check this out over here." The paramedics came in and started working on him in the bed. Then the put him on the gurney and as he went through the living room his arm fell to the side. I scrambled to get in the ambulance with him, they wouldn't let me. They made me sit up front. I remember looking back at our home with the door wide open and I didn't care, just let Poo be alright. For me, the whole world stopped. I couldn't hear anything, nothing, nothing.
We arrive at the hospital they rush Poo in, but Wind and I can't go in yet. Wind walks outside the emergency area and discovers he can see where Da is, "Ma I can see them working on him!" We both stand where we can watch, I am still in shock and by now my baby boy is getting anxious too. Soon Earth and his wife arrive. We go back in and I can hear my sons ,"they won't even allow my mother back there to see our father!" Other family members start to arrive. I hear random sounds and conversations. I hear the security guards say, "Her sons think they're the rat pack, Frank Sinatra..." Someone else says, "Ma'am can you calm your sons?" I can't respond, It's all a dream.
The hospital personnel finally find a room where we can all sit. I remember the room being filled, but other than me and the boys, I can't recall all of the others. I was thinking, I can't wait till this is over what a laugh Poo and I will have about this. The the doctor, on call for emergency, enters the room. She has someone with her. She sits in front of me and I am waiting for her to say something like, "he's stable now..."
She says, "Mrs. Mathews what did the paramedics tell you?" Before she can finish I sat up straight ready to tell her how rude they were for not allowing me to ride in the back with Melvin and... she interrupts to say, "Mrs. Mathew, your husband was dead before he left home."
When I came to I was on the floor. The rest was all flashes:

• My sister in law pulling at my feet calling my name and crying, then;
• walking down the emergency room corridor, then;
• crying over Melvin's body, then;
• seeing my other sister in law and her family, then;
• my brother, then
• a nurse, then;
• bringing Fire into the hospital room to see Da, then;
• my brother's mother in law, then;
• laying on Melvin, he was still warm, crying, feeling as if I had no one else in this world, wanting to go with him, then;
• Wind taking me to my mother, then;
• my mother, then;
• my grandmother and then;
•  my screams....

My mother and grandmother say I screamed, and hollered and screamed until I fell asleep.

The next day all I wanted were my children and they never left my side.
Friends and family were so good to us, because as much as I remember, I was completely on automatic pilot during this time.
If it were not for my oldest son Earth, I would never have gotten through the preparations for the memorial service. If I got flustered, he stepped in, if someone seemed to annoy me, he would put his arm over the front of me and say, "I got this Ma."
When it was time to make the arrangements for the service, there was a new pastor at our church so I had to tell her about my husband. Kennedie stayed with me during this entire process, so while the tears were rolling down my face she quietly wiped them. When we got back in the car she said, "Grandma, why you cryin'?" I chose to be the one to tell her. She was two, but seemed to understand and went out on the deck, where we all used to play, and walked and cried. We watched and let her get it out, then Wind held his daughter and comforted her just as Melvin would.
Melvin always read the obituary to see who he knew and would read them to me or show me someone, this time it was him. As people got up to talk about my husband, I felt him urging me to speak on his behalf and when I realized what was happening, I was in front of friends and family speaking for my husband, my best friend, my lover, my Melvin, my Poody.
My epitaph to him

My Prince

It seems that my fairy tale has ended,

for your are my knight in shining armor.

And the girl you found 19 years ago became

your princess through the magic of your kisses.

God's infinite wisdom and grace brought us together

and we truly were one.

All of the sermons we shared together

of Jesus' life and example of how we should live

resound in my mind and heart

and give me and the boys great comfort.

Thank you for leaving me better than you found me,

and thank you for my sons.

Sleep now, my Prince

for we will meet in the morning.

Love forever,

Poo

For a long time I would be disappointed each morning my eyes opened to see another day, I wanted so much to be where he was. It's a strange feeling to watch your soul mate transition, strange in a good way. I know now, for sure, there is nothing to fear in death, Poo, God and Jesus are there. In my Fathers house are many mansions and I have seen the one Melvin chose for us. I do not rush that day now, and I do not fear it, all in God's time and in his way and just like this story I have shared with you, I surrender all and await my Father's promises.

Enjoy your tomorrow.

Monday, February 27, 2006

I got up for work, 5:45 am. I felt strange, out of sorts, what is the matter with me I ask myself.  I shake it off and get ready for work. I get to work around 7:15. I go into my office, look around and admire the quaint, quiet surroundings. I have grown to love all of the people housed in this institution of love and learning, yet my heart is not here. I am a tattered piece of this perfect puzzle and I just don't have the desire to polish up and fit in again. I sit at my desk and compose my letter of resignation to be effective at the end of the school year. I give the pretty office another glance, then leave to take my supervisor my letter. I arrive at the board of education, my supervisor is not there so I leave the sealed envelope with his secretary. I exit and as I am on my way back to the school, I sense Melvin calling me so, on almost two wheels, I turn around and go home.
Melvin is still in bed. I kiss him, he wakes and asks, "What are you doing home?" I tell him I have given them my letter of resignation, then I go about calling the retirement association, social security and US Steel. Melvin asks if I am going back to work, and I tell him no. He says, stop all that and come back to bed.  We go back to sleep and around 10:00 he wakes me to breakfast in bed. Afterward he runs some errands and I sleep, still can't get enough sleep.
While he is out I keep searching the house for something dead or dying, I can smell it. When Melvin comes home I have him look and smell around the house, but he can find nothing, nor smell the scent. The smell is most profound under the portrait of my great grandmother. Since she went to Heaven, she has always found a way to fore warn me of things she thinks I should know. Usually I can smell her or she'll come in a dream, but this time the smell of death is at her feet.
Melvin finally nestled himself into his favorite chair in our bedroom. He asked me to fix him a plate of dinner from Sunday. While he eats and readies himself to watch American Idol I talk to my mother on the phone. I tell her about the smell too. After talking to her for about 30 minutes I go into the bedroom and comment to my mother that my man is sleeping, sitting up in his chair and he has never done this before. I told her I had to get off the phone and see about my man. I nudge him and he wakes. He has the most peaceful look on his face and a loving smile. His eyes seem to have turned to a shimmering amber tone. I had also noticed that for the past few months his head, when I kissed it, smelled sweet like a babies. His hands smelled of his cologne all day, no matter what he touched or cooked. That amazed me. It was as if he wasn't real.
We watched Idol and then discussed what I would do next. He knew I wouldn't be able to sit at home long and we talked about our cruise for Thanksgiving.  We laughed and played the rest of the evening. The entire night was jovial. I felt a peace I hadn't felt in a long time after making the decision to resign.
Without asking, Melvin told me a story. It was about the beautiful woman he loved so much. At the end of the story he started singing The Impossible Dream, he was singing the words wrong, so I chimed in and started singing. I was in his arms, my back to his front so I couldn't see him giving me the CUT sign to stop singing so he finally said it, "Poo cut!" We laughed so hard. We always laughed hard together. That's how we went to sleep, me in his arms and us laughing.

The Impossible Dream

To dream, the impossible dream,

to fight the unbeatable foe

to bear with unbearable sorrow,

to run where, the brave dare not go.

To right, the unrightable wrong,

To love, here and chased from afar,

to tr,y when your arms are too weary,

To reach the unreachable star.

This is my quest,

to follow that star,

no matter how hopeless,

no matter how far.

To fight for the right,

without question or pause.

To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause

and I know, it thou'll only be true,

to this glorious quest

that my heart will lie peaceful and calm

till I'm laid to my rest.

And the world will be better for this,

that one man scorned and covered with scares

still strong with his last once of courage,

To reach, oh to reach, to reach the unreachable star.

tomorrow in the morning ...

Sunday, February 26, 2006

We have our favorite breakfast, fish, grits, toast and coffee on the deck. It's a beautiful day. It will be an early spring. I get started cooking the spare ribs, pinto beans and rice, cornbread and salad. Melvin watches sports most of the day, when he's not in the kitchen giving me love nudges and kisses.
Around three o'clock I begin my, end of the weekend bemoan of going back to work. Melvin senses my dread and tries to pep me up with an encouraging speech along the lines of, you're the principal, the kids and teachers love you, yadda, yadda, yadda. I believe this and I know it, but after the politics, my illnesses and the time on the battle field of twenty first century education, my passion was waining fast.
We eat and talk. Just before bed Melvin asks, "Poo did you enjoy your mini vacation? I enjoyed having you home with me." "I had a wonderful vacation, can't wait until it's you and me all the time," I say. Then he asks, "How did it happen that we had the weekend to ourselves, none of the children came by." "I don't know, I guess they decided to give us a free weekend together," I reply. We end the evening on the deck until I get cold and we come inside.
This was one of those nights I fought going to sleep, because I didn't want to leave him or be "a big girl" in the morning. "Poody, tell me a story," I say. He starts, "Onest upon a time there was a man who loved his wife very much and she stayed at home with him for a whoooooole week and..." I fall asleep in his arms, knowing I can make it through Monday, because at the end of the day I will be coming home to my Prince.



tomorrow